please come you make the beer taste better
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
