i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
