Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
