And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
