I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Randomize
