I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
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