Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
