I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Just invented taco cereal.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
