my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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