Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
she pinky promised me she was 18
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
