she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
