Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
