I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
