and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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