I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Randomize
