So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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