Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
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He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
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I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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