Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
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It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
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It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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