Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
id be glad to
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
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