you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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