it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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