he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
