Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize
