She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
God, I missed his penis.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
