Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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