So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Small penises have feelings too.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
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