I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
