Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
