you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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