you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
