just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
