im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
