He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
My breasts were aching with rage.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Randomize
