I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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