false alarm. still invincible.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
