We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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