happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Randomize
