Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
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