I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
honey bunches of taint.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
