i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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