I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
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