Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
