I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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