Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Randomize
