Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
