By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
