Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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