My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
