The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
