I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
