I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Randomize
