There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Randomize
