he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize