He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Randomize
