Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Randomize
