if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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