Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
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