a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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