Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
