Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
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