I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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