I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
